I feel like I need to write this out, so it's no longer in me. Right now I am worrying myself sick about work. Sometimes I jump the gun; get ahead of myself. I worry I make poor decisions. I worry I do poor work. I worry I'm not smart enough. Everyone seems to be naturally inclined to the knowledge they possess, and I constantly have to review things I feel like I should know. I worry I come across wrong. I worry I hit "send" before I should; that I badger too often and can't leave well enough alone. I just want to be good at what I do, and I believe I am, most of the time. But it's the times I feel I fail that I can never seem to move beyond. And they weigh on me. And it makes me squirm. It makes my insides twist. It makes me feel like I felt when Joe Ben drowned in Sometimes a Great Notion. And I couldn't take it. How could someone write a death scene so devastatingly vivid? No, that isn't it. How could someone write something that described just the way I feel when anxiety is baiting me, when I am drowning? Those words on that page were the equivalent of every battle with myself. Fuck. No wonder it overwhelmed me to read.

I needed this. To write something out clearly. Simply. It doesn't solve everything, but I feel a little less like the world is caving in.

I'm trying to learn how to do this. How to breathe and let go and be strong rather than destructive. I think I can do this.

Perhaps some of us are born with our hearts already broken.