I sat at my desk in my cubicle with my hands cupped over my nose and mouth.  Staring.  Not seeing anything.  Just trying to tell myself to take a breath and move my hands.  You are fine.  Move your hands. Count to three and then move your hands from your face and get back to work.  But I couldn’t ever count to three, and so I just kept sitting there that way.  And then finally I took a deep breath and moved.

I don’t freeze up like that often.  But sometimes it happens when I become anxious; generally caused by a perfectionist mentality where I feel I've made a mistake or I’m not smart enough or any such nonsense that I try to sift through on a regular basis.

It makes me feel weak to have an aspect of myself so vulnerable and needy.  It’s not something new; it has been a background demon my whole existence.  Every year I conquer more of it, or at least a different aspect of it, but I cannot completely rid myself of it.  Maybe someday, maybe not.  How I react to it has morphed throughout the years and currently I believe I’m in the best place I’ve been.  But becoming anxious…freezing up…sometimes it’s just too much for me.  Sometimes I really just don’t know what to do but give in.

I can change a lot about myself. I have changed a lot about myself.  But right now this is still a very real aspect that I deal with on a daily basis.  It may look like I’m complaining.  It may look like me whining.  But it’s really just that I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to handle what my mind is telling me.  Because I don’t want to believe it, but I don’t know how not to.

Today I crashed my car.  I let this anxiety control me.  I let it turn a day that was beautiful, sunny, clear, into something hurried and ruined and terrible.  That was me.  That wasn’t the anxiety.  That was me that did that.  And I can be better than that.  I am better than that. 

I am responsible for my actions, my reactions, how I respond to situations around me.  I’m not broken. I’m not weak.  I may suffer from anxiety but that’s no excuse to let it own me and my happiness.  Someday, I will make it my bitch.  Until then I will keep trying, keep growing, and just be grateful for the sunshine when skies are grey.

I am not perfect, but I am authentic, and maybe T hat is better anyway.